Time Changes Everything: Life and the Lyrics of Blue October

Through the course of this paper I will discuss the progression of the band: Blue October, their lyrics, and my life. I’ve decided to give an overview of each album, in order of release, up to their newly released album, “Home”. Blue October is from Texas and currently consists of 4 core members, Justin Furstenfeld, Jeremy Furstenfeld, Ryan Delahoussaye, and Matt Noveskey. I began listening to Blue October in 2006 after hearing their hit song “Hate Me” on the radio. I started to review their other songs and fell in love with their sound as well as the lyrics. I was diagnosed at a young age with depression after losing my father at age 7, had been hospitalized on 3 separate occasions, given medications, and went through years of counseling. None of this seemed to work for me and after my experiences I vowed that I would fight this on my own as much as I could. I still struggle with depression, but have also come a long way, thanks in part to this band. In 2008, I began going through a divorce where I would lose custody of my daughter Destiny and began a fight between my ex-wife and I that continues today. I married my wife, Amanda, in 2010 and after deciding to practice plural marriage and we married our wife Kimmie in 2014. Prior to Kimmie, we were in a relationship with another girl that turned out to be disastrous and lead to one of the worst years of my life, in 2013.

The Answers (1998) This first album has a very mellow tone and gives a glimpse into the life of someone battling with depression daily. In the first song “The Answer” Justin opens up about his own battle with depression with the lyrics: there’s Zoloft, Wellbutrin, there’s Paxil that’s proven, no side effects, but the rest left unnamed cause they work like a charm on me. From the beginning he displays how he is a voice, a beacon for those struggling with depression: I’m an automatic steeple for depressed and lonely people. The line that seemed to speak to me the most was: If what you’re seeing is an open book, that’s great cause I’m an open book, but I’m real shy. There’s a part of me seeking and desperately needing to open up. That’s strange, cause I’m an open book, a confused boy. I’ve always struggled with being open, yet so closed off. The two ideas seem to contradict each other, but for me it made perfect sense.

The song “Black Orchid” is a favorite of mine, as well as many fans, in my preparation for this paper I sought the input from 2 Facebook groups and this song was named often. During an Open Book acoustic tour, Justin explains that he performed this song while he was in another band at a young age. His mother wasn’t at the concert to hear it, and afterwards the other parents wanted to hold a meeting to discuss their concern about Justin and this song. After this meeting Justin played this song to his mom. Justin said she yelled into the other room “Danny get in here, there’s something wrong with our son!” Some key lyrics are: Have you ever been so lonely, No one there to hold? Pull me in or disown me, and then climb inside. My arms are open wide. Have a look inside. It’s not that I’m scared to learn, why I’m empty inside. Hold my hand or show some concern if I live or die. The next set of lyrics reminds me so much of the times where I was struggling so badly, and would find myself curled up in a corner, trying to hold onto my sanity. Hear me Cry! Cry! Cry! I hear a knock at the front door. Don’t come in! I try to look at you but I can’t stop shaking. Leave me alone. Just go away.

Consent to Treatment (2000) To me this is the album sets the sound of the band going forward. The first song “Independently Happy” would make you think the worst is behind them and would set a happy upbeat tone. That wouldn’t be the case but, it’s one of their more optimistic and upbeat songs. Justin covers dealing with the past and moving on in the lyrics: So I drive to the edge of my considerate plain. I apologize to the people I’ve hurt on the way. I wipe the slate clean, I kick the daydream, and remain independently happy. I’m finally happy, happy, independently happy!

The next song “James” is about a guy that had wronged him and he had a hard time letting go of it. For me, the song has a personal meaning as it’s the name of my ex-wife’s boyfriend that abused my daughter. I’ve never had the chance to confront him since he’s was imprisoned soon after I heard some of the details. This song is what I imagine it would be like if we ever did meet: kneel down, close your eyes, hit the ground. I want you to kneel all day, alone in this desolate cave. Scream if you want to, cause no one is around. I want you to scream all day, cause there’s 11 words I’ve rehearsed to say. I’ve read that the 11 words are “James how I love to hate you, James you fucking prick. I have my own 11 words I’d love to say but Justin’s will work for this project.

The next song “HRSA” (high risk of self-abuse) talks about Justin’s hospital stay when he was 22. There’s a line that really rings true with me about how depression can come at you sometimes several times a day: I’m down for the count always 3 times a day, sometimes 4. The next set of lyrics really stood out to me about my own experiences and the last few lines are to me some of the most powerful lyrics ever written by this band: I learned quick. Knew what to say, then 3 angels walked my way, In Spanish tongue they knelt to pray, “God keep him safe from screaming voices”. They became my family, outstretched their hands around my head. You know I can feel them breathing. They actually knelt down and prayed for me! (x2).

In the song “Balance Beam”, Blue October shows another side of themselves with this love song, which isn’t just another love song: I haven’t been quite the same, So sure the story of my life would never change. In a bright eyed way, I rinsed out the soap in my eyes and wrote a song that I’m about to sing, cause it’s about a girl that I hardly even know, So this is not another love song, just a list of things that I should know, everyone should know that…1 you gotta take it kind of slowly. 2 you got to hurry up and make your move. 3 you’ve got to tell her that she’s pretty. 4 you’ve gotta be the perfect gentleman. When you shake the wall , you’ve gotta make it bend. You’ve got to show her that she’s a balance beam, and I keep falling all around this fairy tale.

In the song “Drop”, there’s a  line that I think is so fitting to exactly what Blue October’s music has meant to me: A dark man in the restroom window pane, who’s words just pours out human pain. In the song “Amnesia”, he sums up the way I’ve felt about so many situations in my life: I wish I could go to sleep and wake up with amnesia, and try to forget all the things I’ve done. I wish I knew how to keep the promises I’ve made you, but life, I guess it goes on.

History for Sale (2003) In the song “Razorblade”, Justin talks about abuse and the impact it can have on a person. My favorite line in this song is: Uncle, you spared not your children, and while your praying hands are up, there’s no forgiveness for you. You sick Fuck! The chorus is also one of my favorites as it speaks to those who have fought through and proud of how far they’ve come: A brief bout with a razorblade cut me. I freaked out, thinking people didn’t love me. I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me. In letting go, I am so proud of what I’ve done.

“Calling You” was the first song of Blue October’s that I had my wife, Amanda, listen to early in our relationship. To me it was the perfect song to say what I was feeling: There’s something that I can’t quite explain. I’m so in love with you. You’ll never take that away. And if I’ve said it a hundred times before, expect a thousand more, you’ll never take that away. Well expect me to be calling you to see if you’re ok when I’m not around. Asking if you love me, I love the way you make it sound. Calling you to see, do I try too hard to make you smile? This song was written as a birthday gift to his girlfriend at the time, it was also one of the biggest hits for the band up to this point and would be until he wrote another song about this girl in the next album.

“A Quiet Mind” is another great song on this album and would be the name of the tour when I first saw Blue October. The lyrics tell of how one person can help pull you from the darkest places in your mind and help to give you peace: Give me strength to be kind, to combine all the good things in life that are so hard to find. But I have and I won’t let them go like I do with my friends. Still hearing voices, from front, from behind. They’re the reasons I choose, when to live, how to die, when to cast, when to reel, when to buy, when to steal, when to fiend for the friends that taught you being inappropriate will (chorus) Give me a quiet mind, and I still love you. You give me a quiet mind and I love you.

The song “Inner Glow” talks about making a comeback after being defeated. The band was signed to Universal Records after the success of the album “The Answers” but was dropped after “Consent to Treatment”. They would eventually be picked up again and eventually choose to be an independent label. First, we’ll look at how they felt about being dropped and how their music can often be hard to categorize: So here’s a preview, shove it under old-new, or call it rock or pop or Bach or fuck, Goddamn where did we go wrong? Now there’s a category for every song. Now if we look at the more positive side which includes the last line that is a favorite to tattoo among fans: I’m on your side if you fail at least you tried, to keep your aching celebrating wonder making heart alive. Yeah and pride, don’t keep it all inside. Don’t keep your aching celebrating wonder making heart alone. Write your own song!

Foiled (2006) This is one of my favorite albums ever made and possibly my favorite Blue October album. The song “She’s my Ride Home” is a twisted love song, but has an amazing chorus that speaks to me about overcoming the impossible with someone you love: We talked. Together sharpening a knife, like killing partners for a life. Hey we can hide the bodies on the ride home, cause we’re going home (chorus) I’ll be reaching for the stars with you. Who cares if no one else believes? So I set fire to everyone around, but I told you, I told you we’d do it. So ha ha ha ha we won, ha ha ha ha oh ueah we won!

The song “Into the Ocean” was a hit off this album and is an absolute favorite at their concerts. The song, although upbeat, is about suicide, and the crowd’s reaction as they sing this song is truly amazing. To so many in the audience, this song is about letting go of the hurt and pain: (chorus) I want to swim away but don’t know how. Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean. Let the waves up and take me down. Let the hurricane set in motion. Let the rain of what I feel right now come down. Let the rain come down!

Like I mentioned before “Hate Me” is what started it all for me, this song was written as an apology to the same girl that “Calling You” was written for. This was, and still is the bands biggest hit at this time. Because there is no way for me to fully cover this song I’ll list the chorus and attach the lyrics to the song at the end of this paper. The chorus goes: Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you. Hate me in ways, yeah, ways hard to swallow. Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you.

When I first began a relationship with my wife Kimmie, I was having trouble saying exactly what I wanted to say. The beginning of the song “Congratulations” seemed to be the perfect song to show how I was feeling. I had her look up the song, and obviously it worked out: Is that seat taken? Congratulations. Would you like to take a walk with me? My mind it kind of goes fast. I’ll try to slow it down for you. I think I’d love to take that drive. I want to give you something. I’ve been wanting to give to you for years….My heart.

The song “Sound of Pulling Heaven Down” is also one that’s hard to fully cover in this paper, so like with “Hate Me” I’ll list the chorus. It’s one of my favorite songs as well as many fans’, but I’ve yet to hear it live. The chorus is: I’m reaching farther than I ever have before. Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore. I may be some sort of crazy. We may be some sort of crazy. But I swear on everything I have and more. You make the sound of pulling heaven down. You brought the rains romantic pour. You make the sound (x2) of pulling heaven down.

Approaching Normal (2009) After the Foiled album I primarily listened to that album and the older ones and wasn’t even aware this album was out until 2012. It would soon become one of my favorite albums, as it covered such an array of emotions. The first song “Weight of the World” really captures how I’ve felt at so many times in my life, the chorus quite fittingly isn’t just sung but yelled and goes: When the weight of all the world’s gone wrong, It’s gone wrong again, gone fucking wrong, it’s gone all wrong again!

This was followed up with the song “Say it”, also one of my favorites, and was a go to song during 2013. To me it was about someone that was ruining everything I had worked towards up to this point: It’s all about esteem. It’s all about dreams. It’s all about making the best out of everything. You’ll know when you’re fine, cause you’ll talk like a mime. You’ll fall on your face. You get back up and you’re doing fine. A considerate clown, a preachy preaching machine, is one of the sweetest things you would say about me. But I don’t have the time for your distorted esteem. Why are you toying with my mind? My favorite part of the song would have to be these lines as it shows just how tired you are of dealing with complete b.s.: Well I’m sick of standing in your line. So now you’ll have to take it. Take this to heart. I will never let you fuck me over. Stop talking down to me, your war is old. Your game is over. So here’s my coldest shoulder.

In the song “Dirt Room” Justin uses the song as a way to get back at a former manager that tried to cash in on their success from “Hate Me”. This song reminds me so much of the feelings I had and still have for my ex-wife, I was paying an insane amount in child support to the point it was breaking me financially. While I was struggling she was blowing this money on herself and her drugs, while my daughter would go without. The songs’ chorus lays out how I felt in a mellower way than some of the other lyrics in the song: You think you own me, you should have known me. You took the future and the food off my family’s plate. You think you’ll use me, but I’m stronger than you. You take my money, but it’s useless, when you see what I do to you.

The song “Kangaroo Cry” was written as a response to 9/11 and seeing so many men and women saying goodbye to their families at the airport before deployment. Like a few of the other songs it can’t be fully covered in this project so I’ll list part of the chorus: How long will we have to sing until you finally bring our sons, our daughters home? We’ll let the prayers start healing, what time’s been stealing. This song was followed by “Picking Up the Pieces” which was written as a song about someone continuously failing, then getting back up and picking up the pieces of their life. While they are two separate songs they were seamed together with an instrumental part between the two.

The album also has a few songs about Justin’s daughter Blue, such as “Jump Rope”, “Blue Does”, and “Blue Skies”. While the last one had been a favorite of mine, it became so much more meaningful in 2015 when my daughter made me a wood plaque with some of the lyrics etched into it. Along with the plaque she wrote a letter, thanking me for fighting for her through the divorce and never giving up. She said she chose “Blue Skies” because it reminded her of the two of us and how we’ll always have blue skies to look forward to. The lyrics she etched on this plaque were: It’s time to wake up, time to make up, time to shake these memories. It’s time to leave the past in the past and lace up a new set of shoestrings. I want the world to know I’ve got your back through up and down, see. So we can sit together, side by side, through amazing blue skies. Calling on blue skies, don’t take them away, boys, don’t take them away, cause I’ll never stop.

Any Man in America (2011) My mother had gotten this cd for my daughter for her birthday since it was the most recently released and since we were taking her to her first concert as part of her birthday. I hadn’t heard the album yet and had no idea the impact it would have on me. I would end up listening to this album over and over throughout 2013. While it was primarily about Justin’s divorce and custody battle it was the album that said everything I felt about my divorce and also about a relationship Amanda and I had with a girl that went horribly wrong and would nearly tear us apart. If there was ever a time in my life their music would help me through, this was it. In the first song, “The Feel Again (Stay)”, Justin goes through the emotions of a marriage that’s falling apart but maybe they could work it out for the sake of their daughter. I struggled with these feelings during my first marriage until I reached the point I couldn’t take it anymore. Part of the last verse in the song and my favorite is: There’s just 3 of us to think about now in our show. And I think we’d stay, we’d just stay, and then we’d know, that we should never let go. Something to think about, in our heart of hearts. Just look into those big brown eyes and you’d just fall apart. Maybe we should stay, we should stay, at least she’d know, that we should never have let go.

One of my favorite songs on this album is “For the Love”. This song helped me to get through, maybe more than any of the others. I’ve listed the extended chorus towards the end of the song as I believe it’s the most telling: I do it for the love. I do it for the rain. I do it for the passion. I do it for the pain. I do it for the rush. I do it for the doubt. I do it for my daughter, man, cause she’s what I’m about. I do it for my mom. I do it for my dad. I do it for my sanity hanging from a thread. I do it for the audience who understands the need, standing on the stage, cut the shit and let it bleed. I do it for my brother. I do it for his wife. I do it for my manager, cause god he saved my life. I do it for the confidence. I do it for release. I do it cause I’m sick of sadness full of peace. I do it for the sunshine, for my friends. I did it for you, over and over again, but you would never understand, so fuck it.

In the song “Any Man In America”, Justin completely summed up what I was feeling at the time of my divorce. The chorus was so dead on about how I felt about this court and how they had absolutely no regard for me or my daughter: Like you don’t know, you act like you believe it, that you’re in control. It’s just your legal system though. They don’t think about it. No, they don’t care about it. Now every man in America take back your control. If you look at a standard parenting order you’ll see it’s completely one sided. I went from being in my daughter’s life every day to 48 hours every other weekend and 3 hours during the week…if I was lucky. The sad thing is this chorus is completely true, the judge, the attorneys, none of them give a damn about you, not even the slightest bit. This verse tells the story about my feelings so well: So I kept my business quiet, just like my lawyer said, and tried to focus all my anger in my work instead, I was succeeding and self-reliant, but inside my soul was dead. I had to be the sole provider, but not allowed to be the dad. Literally they took her from me, legally they did, they did…. Fuck the judge, fuck the county, fuck your family too. Yeah fuck everybody that took my baby girl Blue. Justin has mentioned on several occasions that he regrets writing that, and I can understand that, but for me those words still ring true. Even though I’ve had my daughter since 2012 I can’t get past what her mother did to her, what her mother’s family did and allowed. I can’t get past still having to go through this court process and sitting there while the judge catches my ex-wife in lies, and just sits there. I’ve been in court longer than my marriage lasted, so yes my feelings are still fuck you all.

When I first heard the song “The Getting Over it Part” live, Justin prefaced it with talking about how he needed to get away from this relationship with his ex-wife and explained that he walked up to her and said “Do you see this smile? Do you see this fucking smile? It’s not because of you, now get the fuck out!” My favorite verse in this song was exactly how I felt after the breakup my wife and I had with the girl we were with: Now I’m shouting out, you gotta hear me. Can you end this now? I’m tired of waiting. You don’t get the point, and you don’t get control, and we both have a chance if you just let go. You can’t have me tonight, tomorrow night, the next day, for anyone or anything. And anyway, I’m not asking you to stay. You’re not my fucking problem, one you just throw away. Let’s burn this house we built up down and simply walk away.

The song “Worry List” is one of my favorites on this album and among the other albums. In this song Justin describes his experience in living apart from his daughter, and the words are both amazing and heart wrenching. The song starts off: I’m tired and twisted, barely breathing, buried in the dark…a could have been. Don’t be concerned, that’s just the power of a breaking heart, so how good am I hiding it? Look, I’ve got some bad intentions, guilty as fucking charged. Still standing stable, more than able, cause I know who you are. I know the birthdays, anniversaries, all the first days I missed. I regret them all, but, now I know this, (chorus) I know that God exists. I held her in my arms. I never knew I was able to ever feel this strong. Take me off your worry list, it’ll be better that way. I’m really fine and there’s nothing we haven’t talked about. So take me off your worry list, I said throw it away. Later in the song, Justin echoes how I felt about the visitation with my daughter: And at the top of my list, this visitation is no relationship, but I’ve got to make the best of it. The next verse was one of the most emotional performances I’ve ever seen. You could hear the emotion in his voice, the pain of the memories: I couldn’t wait to finally pick my family up. Everything is quiet and covered in snow. There’s something wrong here…nobody’s at home. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Now, I’m back in the driver’s seat. Heading back home. Yeah, back to Texas….on my own.

Sway (2013) After AMIA, Justin went into a deep depression, he states that when he lost custody “I lost my fucking mind”. Justin was also caught up in addiction and the band was in shambles, and they were ready to quit. He was remarried and his wife was pregnant, it was to the point that she told him “clean up your shit or you will never see this baby”. He eventually entered rehab, got sober and when his mind was clear the band gathered to make this album. At first, I wasn’t a big fan of the album, I was still too caught up in hatred and bitterness. After time I started to like the album more and it would eventually become one of my favorite albums ever. “Bleed Out” was the first single, and it is written by Justin from his wife’s point of view: Bleed out. I gave it all, but you can’t stop taking from me. And way down I know, you know where to cut me with your eyes closed. Bleed out. It won’t be long til my heart stops beating. So don’t leave me, don’t let me bleed out here alone, hear my plea. This song is one of my absolute favorites to hear live as the ending is done in acapella and is amazing.

One of the most powerful songs Justin has ever written is “Fear”. The change in himself and the band is highlighted in this song and it’s truly inspiring, the chorus goes: Today, I don’t have to fall apart. I don’t have to be afraid. I don’t have to let the damage consume me, my shadow see through me. Fear in itself, will reel you in and spit you out, over and over again. Believe in yourself, and you will walk. Fear in itself, will use you up and break you down like you were never enough. I used to fall, now I get back up. On their most recent live album Justin talks about the song “Fear” and how their music has changed on this album and said “ there’s only so long someone wants to watch you circle a drain until they say get the fuck up and do something about it”.

The song that really drew me in on this album was “Light You Up”. The song was written about his addiction and overcoming it, but to me it’s about getting over some of the hardest points in my life. The songs’ chorus really needs to be heard to be appreciated but goes: I can’t explain the way I feel inside. Maybe because it’s I’m through. Yeah, you heard it, so I light you up. You can’t admit your poison, go run and hide. Fuck you! Yeah, you heard it. I’m gonna light you up. This song soon became one of my favorite songs ever and has been that way ever since.

After leaving rehab, Justin was in Nashville to start writing what would become the new album. This was the first time he would write a song clean and sober, and when asked what he wanted to write about, he said “my wife”. He sat down and wrote the song “Not Broken Anymore”. I fell in love with the song and it would become mine and Kimmie’s song and the one she would walk down the aisle to. The chorus goes: Can you tell me that you’re real? So I can really know, that everything I feel I can finally show. Standing next to me, oh the person I can be, is finally here and he won’t back down at all. But I can’t stop thinking how you just keep making sense of all that was broken before. And I won’t keep faking, cause I’m with taking, cause with you I’m not broken anymore. This song really shows that even after the worst times in your life, you can find someone to pick up the pieces and help you carry on.

Home (2016) While this album is just over a week old, I’ve had the chance to listen to it several times. Like with the Sway album I wasn’t a fan at first. The sound is completely different than anything they’ve done before, but after a few listens it has definitely grown on me. One song early in the album is “Heart Go Bang” there is also another version of this song as a bonus track that is more of an R&B sound, but I absolutely love it, and hope they release it as a single. The song reminds me so much of when you meet that person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with, the overpowering feeling of love is captured in the chorus: I never knew this side of me. I never felt like this before. You make my heart go bang.

I don’t think any song captures just how far this band has come lyrically better than “I Want It”. The song is so uplifting, yet reminds us of the past, the past that’ve we’ve gotten through this far, and can’t give up now. The chorus is: So I raise my hands in grace, pray for the ones I wish I could erase, cause we are who we are and we’ll be who we’ll be. Live for the moment and the mystery. Everybody owns a scar, to show us how we got this far. Cause we are who we are and we’ll be who we’ll be. Don’t ever think you’ll take away the fight in me!

In the title track, “Home”, there’s a verse that completely made this song for me. Last August we decided to move our family to Alaska. My wife Amanda is originally from there and still has family there. This verse makes me think of what our life will be like once we’re there and in our new home: We found our home, something we can build for years. The young and old, I’ll be there to wipe your tears. We all get to see who we grow up to be, an anchor when in doubt, an ocean when in drought. We aim for it all, we lift up these walls, to make this house our home.

In the song “Break Ground”, Justin talks about overcoming your past and in a way it reminds me of “Fear”. I loved this song the first time I heard it, it reminds me of myself and also those who you know who are often down on themselves. Aside from “Fear”, I think this is one of the most inspirational songs of this band or any band for that matter. The chorus truly sums up this song: If I could be good enough, then I would be blown away. And I could be their everyone, and I could be there every day. If I could be good enough, then I could just glow. If I could let go, then I could change the world, but I can’t stop always tearing myself down. I can be good enough. Yeah, I will break ground.

The last, and my current favorite Blue October song is “Time Changes Everything”. The song is one of their longest due to the music at the end but lyrically is somewhat short. My favorite line has also become a favorite of many fans’. To me it highlights the point of letting go of the past, but not just letting go, cut that shit, let it sink and just move on: No more screaming someone save me. No more echoing the fail. Where there’s wind, be a hurricane. Cut the anger, set the sail, SET IT, SET IT, SAIL! Soon after that line the music will change, there’s talking between Justin and his wife. There’s been quite a bit of debate of what it means, and Justin has yet to confirm the meaning, but I believe it’s about his daughter Blue. The next lines make me lean towards this belief, and to me it’s the true closing of AMIA. For me the words are so true, I never needed to win, I just wanted my daughter to be happy, and I wanted to be happy. It wasn’t about winning: I never needed to win. I never needed anything. I never needed to win, at all. I never needed to win. I never needed always. I will stand all in awe….So I stand. In all my years of listening to this band no lyrics have ever hit me as hard as these lines when I first heard them. The song continues in instrumental, and is possibly the most beautiful music I’ve ever heard.

This band has not only helped me through some of the hardest parts of life, but also so many others struggling with depression or addiction. The fans of this band aren’t known as just fans, but family, Blue Family. I can’t count how many people I’ve seen throw away their drugs, throw away the alcohol, or get back up after being beat down by depression. It’s because of the impact Justin’s had on myself and others, that we decided to name our daughter Charlotte Justine, and fittingly she was born this past October. Like I mentioned, we will be moving to Alaska in just over a month, for me, this change had to happen. It’s the one place I can feel at peace, surrounded by beauty. Soon after we arrive, I plan to hike up this mountain that looks out over the valley and the surrounding mountains of the place we’ll call home. I will stand there all in awe, and just stand.